Post by Lindsay on Jul 9, 2006 16:58:16 GMT
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
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An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.
"There it is now" said the Irishman, "isn't it a fine structure entirely?"
"Is that your biggest building?" asked the Englishman.
"Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!"
"I'm not surprised," said the Irishman,"that's the local lunatic asylum."
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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
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An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
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They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
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After the Oxford-Cambridge boat race the mother of one of the losing crew was consoling her son.
"Never mind dear," she told him," you were wonderful, you rowed faster than anyone else in your boat."
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Never ask a foreigner where he is from. If he is not english he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?
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After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk. He says,
"did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock exclaim,
"No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?"
O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but i'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."
They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says
"Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."
O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know. Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin.
Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says,
"Yes may I help you?"
Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says,
"Are you the widow O'Hara?"
To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."
Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."
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An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.
"There it is now" said the Irishman, "isn't it a fine structure entirely?"
"Is that your biggest building?" asked the Englishman.
"Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!"
"I'm not surprised," said the Irishman,"that's the local lunatic asylum."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the Oxford-Cambridge boat race the mother of one of the losing crew was consoling her son.
"Never mind dear," she told him," you were wonderful, you rowed faster than anyone else in your boat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never ask a foreigner where he is from. If he is not english he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk. He says,
"did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock exclaim,
"No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?"
O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but i'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."
They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says
"Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."
O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know. Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin.
Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says,
"Yes may I help you?"
Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says,
"Are you the widow O'Hara?"
To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."
Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."
;D